Behind the Legend
by Helvetius
Summary: A story of a good deal of stupidity and confusion. If you wish fanfiction these days would follow a less predictable formula, you might be interested in this. Chapter 2 up! The mysterious effects of Ganondorf's summoning revealed!
1. Chapter 1

Behind the Legend: Chapter 1: Bad Humor, Confusing Writing, Long Winded Paragraphs, and How it all Began

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Greetings to anybody reading this fanfiction. I am Helvetius, a new author, so as a result this story's format might be a jot out of format. For one thing, what in the world is a "Document Label?" How in the world do you change fonts? How do people get those nifty little paragraph dividers into their stories? In any case, I hope you enjoy this story. 

Also, if you plan on flaming this work, don't. Message me and I'll debate you on the forums, unless, of course, nobody does that here. I am, after all, a new author. In any case, Behind the Legend is a story about roughly every other story out there... and after a while, you'll see exactly what I mean. I'd laugh evilly, but that's extremely hard to pull off on a computer screen.

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(…): Editor's Note: Imagine one of those annoyingly calm narrator type people from documentaries about penguins or the origin of salami or whatever saying this. This also refers to a scene transition. 

Disclaimer: Because I have to add this. Let me ask you, if I owned any part of Legend of Zelda (besides the games and Official Nintendo publications like Player's Guides), would I be writing this satire about it and complaining about how twisted the (nonexistent) timeline is? No. I'd be changing it myself. So, in other words, I do not own any part of Legend of Zelda aside from the products stated above. Sue me at your peril, Miyamoto.

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An imperceptible hum… and in unfathomable darkness, a computer screen flares to life. 

In unfathomable darkness, luminous black on black…

In unfathomable darkness, the origin of everything outside oblivion…

In unfathomable darkness, these words are born: "A world behind worlds. A world beside worlds. A world above worlds. A world…"

(Hyrule, the Realm of Light)

The sun was shining in Hyrule, the sort of sun which only could possibly exist during peacetime: serene, comfortingly warm, and omnipresent. The birds were peacefully chirping, a slight breeze wended its way through the grass, and a sky coated with a deep azure stretched across the horizon. The scene was picturesque enough to so as to make an evil mastermind scream in anguish.

(The Dark Realm, formerly known as the Sacred Realm)

At that moment, deep in the Sacred Realm, one Ganondorf Dragmire, self-styled evil mastermind, homicidal maniac, and criminal mastermind, was screaming in anguish.

"Why (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep) why me?! Damn that (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep) Hero and that (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep) (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep) (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep) Princess and those (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep) Goddesses (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep) it all (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep) (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep)(bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep)!"

The scream echoed out from an open window of the sort that people often fall to their deaths out of during cheap murder theater, only to have some mustachioed nutcase with a British Accent© proclaim "Curious, curious" and stroke his goatee. This window happened to be situated in the sort of evil castle most evil villains seem to always live in; a combination of black, spiky towers straight out of a diseased Disney imagination and ominous, shadowy ruins straight out of a stereotypical sci-fi novel about the Apocalypse.

This particular evil fortress happened to be located in the middle of a desert wasteland which could only be described as the evil twin of the Gerudo Desert; the sun beat down harder, the monsters hit harder, and everything shone with a sinister and yet benign golden light: the so-called Golden Realm, parallel to Hyrule, now transformed into a realm of evil by the sheer malevolence of Ganondorf. Surrounding it for miles were clusters of crude barracks, stables, and camps where monsters… Ganondorf's minions lived, trained, and mostly bickered with each other over what they were bickering over.

Ganondorf stopped screaming and instead punched another hole in the wall. Golden light shone through it onto the dark ground, completing a C, which was directly next to a RAP. This coincidentally described exactly how Ganondorf was feeling at the moment (AN: Blatant ripoff of a similar concept in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, I know). He was surrounded by complete and utter idiots and he knew it. Why couldn't his servants be intelligent, useful minions instead of half-witted hordes of monsters with three brains to split between the lot of them? Why couldn't even his most intelligent, devious, and destructive plans succeed to lay waste to Hyrule? And why was he constantly fated to get royally destroyed by a princess and some random kid with a sword?

Brooding in the sort of manner only a defeated Republican after elections could imitate, the Prince of Darkness stalked up a circular set of stairs, clutching at his cape and resembling nothing so much as a moving, blackened blob of tapioca. Pausing momentarily to throw something at the writer of this piece (it hurt, too) for his inaccurate, humorless, and ridiculous analogies, he slithered through a dark archway with the words "Abandon all hope ye who enter here" on it and entered the fortress cafeteria. An extremely tacky looking sign on the wall notified anybody who cared that today's lunch consisted of "grub." Another sign below it notified anybody else that the cafeteria was currently accepting job applications and that no experience was necessary.

Ignoring the sign, Ganondorf strode directly into the kitchen, where a lone Darknut wearing a pink apron sat in a folding chair shuffling papers like a doctor about to tell somebody they had three hours to live and a lone Moblin with a large cleaver sat hacking up something unspeakable. Several apparently dead or comatose Bokoblins lay sprawled at various locations around the kitchen.

Ganondorf did a double-take: "What happened to your assistants??"

The Moblin shook his head and displayed a grin that would have sent sane men gibbering into the bushes. "Former assistants. They now today's mystery meat." The Darknut frowned and spoke in a British Accent©: "Apparently, the job was too stressful. We came in one day and the lot had peacefully snuffed it. In any case, what brings you down here to the…" he searched his mind for the word… "…kitchens today?"

Ganondorf gave a slight groan. "I need a pick-me-up. I'm completely and utterly tired of getting the living tar beaten out of me by that blasted green-wearing pointy-eared sword-wielding Hero. What's the point of having the Triforce of Power when you're destined to be destiny's whipping boy?" The Darknut nodded sagely as he handed Ganondorf something which looked, above all, dangerously radioactive, which Ganondorf promptly began to nurse.

Half an hour later, Ganondorf was dead drunk.

"And then, he came running up the stairs waving his sword like some goddamn hooligan, and you should have seen the expression on his face while I was giving my usual long speech about superiority and how much he sucked: kind of like somebody barely restraining himself from pounding me into oblivion while also realizing he had just stepped in dog feces during a visit to his mother in law," Ganondorf howled raucously, in the manner of somebody who, aside from being extremely drunk, was also possibly German, Howard Dean, or a dying hyena. He paused to down another mug of the radioactive liquid.

"And then he pounded me into oblivion." He continued. The Darknut had long resigned himself to filling more and more mugs for the increasingly depressed Ganondorf and the Moblin was doing something unmentionable with dead Bokoblins, a meat cleaver, mustard, and loafs of pumpernickel. 5 more minutes passed in silence. In the distance, an owl hooted. Fifteen bright purple eagles juggling tomatoes on unicycles waltzed past.

In Ganondorf's twisted and completely drunk mind, the owl started saying "Loser. Loser, loser, loser." He abruptly sat up, winged his mug at the owl, arranged his cape, and said, "Er… where am I?" In the corner of his eye, the owl seemed to now be making an "L" sign on his forehead.

"The Sacred Realm, sir."

"Really? When?" said Ganondorf.

"Since 35 minutes ago sir. I believe another one of your brilliant plots failed again. Thwarted by a boy with a funny green hat, by all description."

Ganondorf stared.

"I want you to tell me right now that I have been drunk for the past 35 minutes."

"You have been drunk for the past 35 minutes."

"Really? Well then, everything's fine then. I'm sorry gentlemen, but I have been dead drunk for the past 35 minutes. And get me the numbers of those purple eagles. I have some evil plotting to do." He turned stiffly and walked out of the kitchen after hitting a table, the Darknut, and tripping over his own feet multiple times. He grabbed blearily for his glasses before remembering he didn't have glasses, somehow failed to grasp the doorknob, put on his nonexistent hat, and eventually discovered to his surprise that the door was already open. Gracefully falling down the stairs and ripping his cape on a brazier, Ganondorf made his way into his personal study by falling through two mahogany double doors set in an iron archway.

The iron archway had written on it, "This archway has something written on it."

Beyond the ominous doors which Ganondorf had personally stolen and sawed down from Hyrule Castle (ignoring the carved images of heroic previous kings of Hyrule), was a circular study. Bookcases were arranged around the walls; a dark mahogany desk (also stolen from Hyrule Castle) centered in the room had a plaque saying "Kneel here, worthless scum (interestingly, he had obtained that from Hyrule Castle as well…)." The many paintings arranged around the room included subjects such as Napoleon, a trip to the dentist's, a dying hyena, an autographed poster of Sauron, Medical School, and Dick Cheney shooting a lawyer; they were all located between tall, Gothic windows equally spaced in the walls. Ganondorf stalked directly past the lot and sat in a comfortable swiveling armchair which he had specifically stolen from one of those movies where the evil mastermind is always seen sitting silhouetted against a flickering fire while petting a white cat, until he swivels (somehow managing this in a comfortable beige armchair) and reveals he's a balding, senile old man in desperate need of a life.

Several picture frames on the wall contained a Degree in Mad Science, a Degree in Evil Plotting, a Degree in World Domination, and 6 consecutive annual awards for "Most Evil Study Ever." The doors, closing automatically, revealed a picture of Link and Princess Zelda behind them riddled with darts. Ganondorf proceeded directly to the bookcases, donned a set of battered reading glasses, and proceeded to search for something to base his latest evil plot off of.

His eyes skated past the Communist Manifesto; they glided through Mein Kampf; they failed to notice My Life, by Bill Clinton. He needed something truly evil, distracting, or both. Pausing in the Living Hell section, he spotted nestling between a Study Guide for the AP Government and Civics Test and a Martha Stewart Cookbook the epic of Faust. Hm. Faust. Where communists, Nazis, and disgraced Democrats had failed, perhaps something from another dimension with unholy power wouldn't. Ganondorf shifted over to the Summoning section.

"Hmmm. Summoning for The Uninformed Moron? The Complete and Unabridged Guide to Summoning? Demons, Devils, and Other Unearthly Minions: A Comprehensive Guide to Summoning? Martha Stewart's Fail-Proof Summoning Study? Summon Your Face? I'll Summon _Your_ Face, the Sequel to Summon Your Face? Barron's Guide to the AP Summoning Test?" Ganondorf pulled out the lot and discovered he needed some sort of large, evil cauldron, and so he found himself stalking the lonely road down to the kitchen once more. A sudden thought struck him and he resolved to have a hospital built next to it. As he entered, the Darknut looked up again.

"Hm. Two visits by somebody by choice in one day. This is getting suspicious," muttered the Darknut.. "How can we help you, sir?"

"I need a cauldron, you know, the sort that demented, cliché witches stir bubbling potions in with wooden ladles and chuck stuff like frog guts in. Kind of like that huge one in the corner." And without waiting, Ganondorf promptly kicked everybody (i.e. the Darknut) out of the kitchen, set Martha Stewart's Fail-Proof Summoning Study on a table, whipped on the Darknut's left-behind apron, and set about searching for frog guts. After about three hours of fruitless searching and experimenting (during which he only managed to turn his hair neon pink), he was forced to admit that, despite the reputation of this kitchen, there were no frog guts… but then he remembered his minion, the Arrghus Frog (AN: From _Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_). The guy had been asking for it anyway. Ganondorf cracked his knuckles, grinned like a killer jack-o-lantern, and set off to find his unlucky servant.

At the precise moment Ganondorf was pounding the Arrghus Frog into oblivion with all manner of sharp objects and surgical instruments, our friend the cannibalistic Moblin wandered into the kitchen, gripping his meat cleaver and several more extremely unfortunate Bokoblins. Today's mystery meat stew was going to be a real masterpiece.

Hmm. That's strange. His cauldron already seemed to be filled some sort of ominously glowing liquid. Somebody must have already made the gruel. Throwing in a variety of other revolting ingredients, including but not limited to Mao Zedong's Little Red Book, a McDonald's Happy Meal©, _Pokemon Battle Revolution_© for the Nintendo Wii©, rancid chicken broth, college applications, and toothpaste, he suddenly realized he needed some frog guts. He quickly stepped out of the suspiciously glowing pentacle chalked on the ground and shambled towards the door.

Halfway there, he was only mildly surprised to be nearly run over by a maniacally grinning, pink-haired, apron-wearing, gore splattered evil mastermind clutching what looked to be somebody's intestines, despite the fact that the somebody concerned had probably needed them to live a happy life before being killed mercilessly by a green-wearing Legolas wannabe with a sword. Ganondorf remorselessly pelted into the kitchen, dumped in his grisly package, stepped back, and promptly commenced intoning the necessary demonic incantations.

The Moblin shrugged and left.

In the meantime Ganondorf stepped back, did some Irish step dancing, played Finlandia on an accordion, kowtowed in all four cardinal directions, found Waldo in a book entirely in Braille, played an astonishing game of Twister against a French contortionist, and successfully made a Martha Stewart grade soufflé, all the while chanting President Bush's State of the Union address. Backwards. Finally, he donned a black, hooded cloak, waved his hands around, and muttered:

"This chant has only six words. This chant has only six words. This chant has only six words…"

An explosion of florid, bright pink smoke rocked the kitchen, followed by several ominous flashes of lightning, a deep voice humming the Twilight Zone© theme, and a fell wind carrying the smell of mustard on candy apples. And then… the first of many dark, shadowy forms began to flow out of the glowing pentacle. A deep voice (strangely, the same voice that had been humming the Twilight Zone© theme) suddenly spoke.

Was this supposed to happen?

"Thank you for choosing America Online for all your Internet needs, with our new super-saver package which includes Internet, cable television, and an America Online T-Shirt all for the low, low price of $34.99 a month. Restrictions may apply. My name is Bob. Welcome to the America Online easy first-time Internet sign-up via Internet, America Online's newest way of serving our customers. You are our first customer, so you have won a free year's supply of new and improved America Online cereal, now with 33 less carcinogens and 33 more marshmallows. Would you like me to help you with signing up for your new and improved America Online internet service?"

Ganondorf was wondering whether this meant "What is thy bidding, master" in some demonic tongue. In any case, he muttered something along the lines of "yes."

"Thank you. Please state your name, company, home address, phone number, and email. America Online will not give out any of this information without your explicit permission. America Online will only use this information to register your new connection."

"Er…"

"Your name, sir?"

"Ah… Ganondorf Dragmire."

"Thank you, Mr. Dragmire. What company do you work for?"

"Um…" Maybe he ought to try and psyche the guy out.

"Are you employed?"

"Taking over the world is harder than you think."

"I'll put you down as self-employed, then. Address?"

Ganondorf peered out the window to the front door, where one of his female minions had only recently put up a stylish wooden sign detailing the address. "Er… 666 Death Row, Dead End, Sacred Realm, zip code 666666."

"Excellent, sir. Do you have an email address?"

"Huh?"

"The email address section is only optional. Do you wish to give your email address?"

"Uh…" Ganondorf thought desperately. "No." He vaguely wondered if the right person was calling the shots right now.

"Thank you. Your connection has been approved. Thank you for choosing America Online for all your internet needs. Please have a nice day, Mr. Dragmire."

"Uh, you too, Bob." What followed was a series of strange, mechanical sounds (AN: the tone you always hear for dial-up). The light emanating from the pentacle abruptly turned blue. All of the sudden, a voice boomed out from the pentacle, a voice so as to shake the heavens, a voice which spoke of how lousy it is to be dragged to hell and back with a hangover, a voice of such commercial evil so as to make a Mom-and-Pop store quake in its figurative boots.

The voice optimistically said: "You've got mail." Ganondorf shuddered as the hellish blue light spread to engulf the entire world…

(Elsewhere)

Elsewhere, in a dark room lit only by a computer screen, these words appeared on the screen.

Ganondorf.Dragmire has been registered.

The person sitting at the screen suddenly froze, wondering at those words. His hands wandered over the keyboard neatly spelling out "xqfmgb". His eyes, shocked, watched as more and more words appeared.

Edward.the.Darknut has been registered.

MoeMoblin has been registered.

Moblinmasta1881has been registered.

Bokoblinownsall has been registered.

JimmytheOctorok has been registered...

More email addresses spread down the screen. They began to be listed faster, faster as the blue light spread with further intensity, washing over trees and flowers, monsters and people, spreading up towards even the heavens...

Din.the.Awesome.Goddess has been registered.

NayrupwnsDin has been registered.

Farore.the.Goddessmeister has been registered...

The blue light traversed the ancient seal, shattering it as the light continued to flow over Hyrule like an unstoppable tidal wave. The light passed through Hyrule Castle.

Ihatebeingaservant has been registered.

Princess.Zelda has been registered.

Pointless.NPC.00001 has been registered...

… it flowed through Zora's Domain, Death Mountain, the Kokiri Forest…

Great.Deku.Tree has been registered.

LetsturnintoBirdPeople.SaystheZora has been registered.

Ilikerox has been registered.

Well.no.$#!.youre.a.Goron has been registered...

… and, at the farthest reaches of Hyrule, passed over even the most adventurous of souls…

Link.Hero.of.Time has been registered.

Navi.Annoying.Fairy has been registered.

Epona.Unkillable.Horse has been registered.

Having spread over all of Hyrule, the blue light subsided and faded as if it was never there, but in one place, deep in the kitchen of Ganondorf's headquarters in the Sacred Realm, it still pulsated evilly. Having completed its "scan" of all Hyrule, these words appeared on the computer.

zelda (AN: dot) com has been created.

The man leaned back, perplexed. He tried to delete the strange new files, but to no avail. He ran several virus scans, but everything came up clean. Checking the folder provided an insanely detailed list of sprites and entities… almost like a video game, only roughly 500 million times more complicated. He was just about to call a computer repairman when a man wearing a black greatcoat over a black business suit with a black tie, carrying a black briefcase, and wearing black sunglasses walked through his door, despite the fact that it had been locked and bolted and located on the penthouse floor of a heavily guarded and obscenely expensive apartment complex. Something glinted on his coat: a silver pin on the man's lapel said 0000001. The newcomer walked purposefully over to the man and said, with a perfectly straight, unemotional face:

"I have a preposition for you, sir." A gloved (black gloves; what else?) hand clamped down on his shoulder, telling him it would be a very bad idea not to accept. The man gulped visibly and nodded.

(Fade out)

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Tune in next installment for the answers to the many questions I'm sure all of you have! Like, what exactly did Ganondorf do? What does AOL have to do with it? Who's the mysterious, stereotypically shadowy figure (clue: it's not an important OC. Both figures will appear in fleeting glimpses)? Why can't the author of this fiasco write anything that makes sense? 

In any case, I should also probably clarify about a certain detail that somehow edited out of this fiction. After each of the above "something has been registered" lines, it should have read "something zelda dot com dot exe dot exe." For some stupid reason, fanfiction dot net (I'm guessing it's because it reads it as a URL, so I'm saying "dot") kept editing that out. Also, the last line should have read "zelda dot com dot exe dot exe has been created." Everything will eventually be clarified.

In any case, if you wish to review, please do so.


	2. Chapter 2

Behind the Legend: Chapter 2: WTF FTW

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Greetings, those who are reading this fanfiction. I'm Helvetius, a new author, here with the latest installment in my confusing epic of _Legend of Zelda_ Fanfiction, Behind the Legend, a Fanfiction about every other Fanfiction. As I have said before, you'll understand later. It is with some dismay that I have noted this story isn't exactly very popular. Oh well. My writing style has never been the most interesting anyway. I highly suspect anybody who happens to have looked through this will probably stop reading roughly around this word. In any case, enjoy the latest installment, in which we encounter a ripoff of the Matrix, chaos in Hyrule, and the beginning of an extremely confusing but ultimately enlightening quest that will probably involve a confusingly confusing amount of confusion. 

Reviews are welcome, flames are not, and invitations to debate... let's just say that if I feel your beliefs are ridiculous, you're probably going down.

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(…): Editor's Note. In other words, if I have anything to say that isn't strictly related to the story, then it will probably be here. Luckily for anybody who actually likes this presently confusing story, these bracketed comments will probably make the entire story more confusing by pitching in some demented comment about, say, the benefits of juggling for the elderly, how much it hurts exactly to be beaten over the head with a banjo, etc. It will also refer to a scene transition. 

Disclaimer: Yes, of course I own _Legend of Zelda_. Just yesterday, though, I got scammed out of all the rights by some guy named Miyamoto. In case you couldn't tell, that was sarcasm, so I don't really own it. In fact, the odds of me ever owning something so valuable are roughly the same odds of, say, a gorilla beating the Incredible Hulk in an arm wrestling contest while surfboarding off the coast of Utah. So that would be, er, pretty small.

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Created in darkness… cultured by darkness… in the unfathomable gloom, a spark flickers. 

A spark more than electricity, more than light, more than energy itself…

A spark racing through the void to light its shadowed cloisters.

It lights these words: "… in itself. All things are connected. And yet…"

(Elsewhere)

In a darkened room, somewhere in a location known here only as elsewhere, a flaring screen lit two shadowed figures, one standing, one sitting, each outlined by a shining aura of artificial light. Features indistinguishable in the darkness, the two were nevertheless easily distinguishable; one, standing, exuded an ancient aura of enlightenment and menace, the other an air of daring, uncertainty, the frozen silence before the plunge into unfathomable waters.

The latter nodded once, light glancing sharply off what appeared to be a pair of glasses only to be overwhelmed by the dark abyss that was the former, dressed as he was in a deep, impenetrable black that seemed to drag all light in the nearby vicinity into a terrible premature death. The former spoke.

"Excellent, sir. If you would please turn to the screen…" The latter needed no prompting before swiveling in his office chair to face the lit screen, swarming with white characters on an indifferent black background. The characters raced down the screen, flickering between the impersonal white and a ghastly, corporate light blue in a highly unnatural manner.

The latter stared as another window opened on his computer monitor, seemingly of its own accord, packed from end to end with indiscriminate symbols. Slowly, these symbols started to change, rearrange themselves, flicker rapidly… and within moments, a human face appeared, composed in disturbingly perfect ASCII. The symbols morphed rapidly as the face, apparently likewise done out in sunglasses and black suit and trench coat as the former, spoke, in a perfectly straight, unemotional tone:

"Hello, 0000001."

(Hyrule, the Realm of Light)

The sun was shining on Hyrule in such a manner that it came perfectly through a small gap between the curtains of Princess Zelda's room, shining in a nonchalant, pleasant, extremely excruciating manner directly on Zelda's right eyeball, which at the moment was red veined, twitching uncontrollably, and looking wholly like something from a horror movie dragged directly out of a slavering rabid monster hound's head. Even though Ganondorf had been royally destroyed by Link, the Hero of Time, herself, and the rest of the Sages, it seemed that destiny still refused to give her a humane night's worth of sleep, aside from the roughly five million thoughts, worries, and responsibilities whirling around her head.

For one thing, reorganizing a country from the brink of utter destruction was inordinately difficult. For one thing, it seemed that most of the guards of Hyrule were either dead or turned into ReDead, so most of them wouldn't be much help unless Zelda wanted somebody to suck the brains out of a political dissenter or her personal chef, who seemed to have forgotten how to cook anything aside from rabbit stew during his long stint as a fugitive on the run from Ganondorf's army. Why Ganondorf had wanted to kill a cook in the first place, she couldn't fathom. In any case, the Royal Guard had been a notorious bunch of cowards when they were alive anyway, reduced to throwing bombs at little children (AN: Happens in _Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time_) and sending said little children on long, ridiculous errands involving the delivery of masks with uncanny resemblances to a demented Pikachu (An: Also happens in _Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time_). The upshot of all this was that she would have to recruit a new Royal Guard from what was left of Hyrule's populace, which included a great deal of farmers, generally useless ordinary citizens, several mildly helpful merchants, and one kid in green with a sword.

Second of all, once Hyrule had opened up its borders again, her court was immediately flooded with a ridiculous amount of suitors, most of which had never held a sword and spent most of their time serenading statues in the garden with banjos and a four person mariachi band in the background while bickering with other suitors over some chess game. Most of them also didn't know how to play chess, so Zelda spent much of her time nowadays avoiding inordinately large armies of lavishly dressed idiots in the courtyards spouting:

"—_like a big pizza pie—_"

"My bishop attacks your king with a fireball spell for 20 damage!"

"No, you idiot, you can't do that, I just scored a touchdown on your side of the board, so you lose one of your bishops!"

"Oh yeah? Well I have this _trap card_ which allows me summon one monster from my hand to the field!"

"Dammit, you sunk my battleship."

"I CHOOSE YOU PIKACHU!"

"—_that's amore…"_

"Somebody shut him up before I—"

"Ha! I've got a full house, so UNO!"

"That's it, I'm going to—"

"OMG, IT BURNS! THE LIGHT BURNS! SAVE ME, ULTRAMAN TIGA! SAVE ME, CAPTAIN CRUNCH! SOMEBODY SAVE ME!"

Zelda sighed liberally as she stalked through Hyrule Castle, which had as a result become a good deal noisier these days. She hadn't even known Hyrule had had that many neighboring countries; it was almost as if all these well dressed hooligans had simply appeared from an extremely spacious somewhere overnight. In fact, now that she thought about it, she had indeed opened up her door one day to find an army of well dressed hooligans on her doorstep armed with bad poems and a seemingly unending deluge of roses.

To her left, a pair of suitors attempted to rush up to her, ended up tripping over each other's ridiculously long sashes, and bowled into a group of other suitors playing a game of croquet in the main dining room using what appeared to be live hedgehogs for balls, live flamingoes for mallets, and a valuable tapestry depicting King Somebody Something or Other Number Something as a score sheet. She passed a group of apparently drunk suitors shouting "Fight! Fight! Fight!" as a pair of other suitors were in the process of beating each other over the heads with table legs and chairs, a group of suitors dressed as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles trying to climb the tower in which her room was situated (and getting beaten up by Impa in the meantime), a mob of angry, strangely dressed people waving signs, Link, the Hero of Time, being chased by a rabid mob of fangirls, a—

Wait a second.

The courtyard seemed rather more crowded than when she had left it yesterday. The people waving signs seemed to shouting something at Zelda that was rather obscene and rude; several of them had the audacity to make rude hand gestures. She squinted rather angrily at the signs, which had glare on them, being polished to such a high degree that it was wonder the words hadn't rubbed off, and barely made out "The Official Ganondorf Fanclub." One of them, apparently the leader of this rabble with his haired dyed a ridiculous red and spiked in a manner vaguely resembling an electrified Ganondorf, stepped out in front and started conducting the club anthem, as the membership broke into tears, shouted huzzahs, waved pitchforks and torches, and set fire to several suitors.

Zelda vaguely wondered how these idiots had gotten in here when she remembered she didn't have a personal guard. Then she remembered she had Link and spent several minutes in a rather determined, thoughtful mood before Link came running past, a look of abject terror on his face being followed by an army of girls, several of which were hanging onto his neck, arms, and legs. The rest were rather cheerfully engaged in swearing fealty, begging to have Link's children/an autograph/a lock of his hair, etc., declaring oaths of undying love, composing poems on the spot that went something along the lines of "You. Me. Elope now," swooning and fainting at his feet, and babbling about how amazing he was. Somehow, they all accomplished this while at the same time shrilly screaming Link's name.

Zelda's right eye twitched involuntarily. She stepped behind a shrubbery and watched as Link disentangled himself from several fangirls, unwisely chose to help the ones who'd fallen to their feet, was buried and resurfaced several times, stumbled several times looking very much like a beleaguered sailor drowning in an ocean of rice pudding while having Republicans thrown at him, and finally, while explaining to one particularly impulsive fangirl why he couldn't marry her, turned, spotted Zelda, and smiled, thus causing all the fangirls to faint simultaneously. It rather resembled a carefully arranged set of dominoes falling down. In the meantime a suitor leaped from the top of the castle wall with a parachute, landed and kneeled at Zelda's feet, and was just getting started on what promised to be an extremely bad "Ode to Her Royal Highness, Princess Zelda" when another group of strangely dressed people came out of nowhere shouting like zealots and throttled him rather badly around the head.

Over the singing over in the courtyard of "_Ganondorf, the ruler of the cooooosmos, he will rule all of the world indefinitelyyyyyyy…_" Zelda heard Link's voice. It sounded very confused.

"Eh, Your Highness, what's going on?" Link said, eyeing the Official Ganondorf Fanclub apprehensively as the leader conducted the last few notes in a blaze of fervor, broke into tears, turned, and pointed at Zelda and Link in a manner that could only be described as pointing at people. At the same time, the strangely dressed people around them turned and revealed they all had T-shirts saying "The Princess Zelda Fanclub." Zelda sighed. The chaos was deafening.

"I told you, call me Zelda. Now, as for these hooligans, I must say that…" Link looked, if possible, even more apprehensive as the Official Ganondorf Fanclub all abruptly raised large plastic versions of Ganondorf's sword, donned painstakingly made cosplay Ganondorf costumes, and proceeded directly toward Zelda, shouting battle cries and performing what looked to be a sort of Native American War Dance ("For the Dark Prince!" "Darkness shall prevail!" "Down with the Realm of Light!") and was about to say something when the Zelda Fanclub beat him to the punch by crowding around Zelda and fervently wringing her hands, proclaiming exactly how much they admired her.

"Gee whiz, it's the real Princess Zelda!" A little girl dressed in a shockingly accurate duplicate of Zelda's dress chirped.

"You're just awesome, ma'am, simply awesome. Waited all my life for this moment. They said I was crazy, but look at me now!" A middle aged Nintendo Geek with glasses proclaimed.

"Doris Crockford, Your Highness, Doris Crockford (AN: Yes, the same woman from _Harry Potter_). Simply delighted to make your acquaintance."

"Are those earrings real gold? Can you show us some magic? Are you in love with Link? Is your hair dyed? What was it like to be captured by Ganondorf?" Several teenage girls dressed in a violent shade of pink spouted.

"SILENCE, INFIDELS!" Zelda started. That didn't sound like a fanclub. Trying to massage some blood into her mangled hand and wondering exactly what god forsaken hell hole all these freaks had dragged themselves out of, she turned to see the Ganondorf Fanclub, all dressed in black and carrying signs that said "Right the Injustice" and "Free the True Ruler of Hyrule." The leader of the group was standing above her in an ominous, domineering, impressive fashion that also happened to be precisely the correct position for her to see up his nose.

Speaking with suppressed anger, rage, and passion, the leader of the group proceeded to break into a long monologue about how Link and Zelda were rebels and vagabonds who had deprived the just ruler of Hyrule, Ganondorf of the throne, pausing every so often to describe his magnificent feats, his unfathomable kindness, how he possessed all the qualities of a true leader, and thereafter seething about how Link had beaten him through "luck, dumb luck." This was punctuated every once in a while by somebody shouting "Free the True Ruler of Hyrule!" In the back, somebody struck up the club anthem again, reducing the membership to further tears of zeal.

Naturally this did not go over very well with the Princess Zelda Fanclub, who started up their own counter monologue as Zelda and Link discreetly sneaked out of sight. Before long, things descended into chaos as both sides shouted exactly what they thought of the other group (which turned out to consist primarily of swear words and shouted comparisons of each others' brains to random objects) and charged into battle, the tide turning when the Link Fanclub came out of nowhere, consisting of a group of Nintendo nerds armed with plastic Master Swords and dressed entirely in green, shouting things like "Shaaaaaayaaaaaah!" and "Hah! Hah! Hah!"

Then the Link Fangirls woke up, realized that the Ganondorf Fanclub was trying to despoil Link's handsome, oh so sexy face, and proceeded to catfight the heck out of the remaining enemy forces. All in all, the Ganondorf Fanclub was completely destroyed, but not before the Princess Ruto fanclub appeared out of nowhere, proclaiming a battle to the death against the Princess Zelda fanclub. Then a group of sharp nailed yaoi and yuri writers appeared, dressed like Christian Evangelists and proclaiming that they had discovered the truth, before getting beaten into a pulp by the Midna Fanclub, who proceeded to set up a shrine to Midna in the corner and lob rocks at anybody in the vicinity. More and more strangely dressed people proclaiming allegiance to various _Legend of Zelda_ figures poured from every nook and cranny to join the epic battle. Plastic swords flew, people got slapped, quite a few members of the Saria Fanclub got trampled, windows were broken, the suitors were forced to abandon their croquet game, and Link and Zelda ran for their lives.

Ignoring shouts of "Rally!" and "My faith will protect me from your malevolent fury, infidels," Link and Zelda pelted out of the courtyard to find, to their horror, things weren't over yet. As they entered, they were immediately accosted by a veritable army of well armed people (AN: That would be OCs), all proclaiming superiority to Link and challenging him to a duel. The only problem was that Link was too busy being swarmed with his "long lost relatives," all of whom seemed to be female and possessing the Triforce of Something or Other. After that several ordinarily (AN: For our world) dressed kids appeared, going "Wow, I'm in the Legend of Zelda world!" (AN: Self inserts) and telling Link that they would help him save Hyrule now with their nifty Nintendo Power© Guides.

"Link! My name is Dargon, the master of the Dragon Sword, and I have come to take your place by Princess Zelda's side! If you are a man, you will fight me!" Some guy dressed in black and red and barely recognizable under piles of spiked black armor that made him resemble, at the least, roadkill, attempted to point a sword roughly twice as tall as he was at Link, failed, and was reduced to standing impressively as his cape fluttered in the wind generated by an electric fan standing two meters away.

"So I'm like your long lost sister who fell over a waterfall when your mother was fleeing Ganondorf's forces and I flowed downriver where I was raised by some Gerudo weaponsmasters who raised me to become an assassin and I've got the Triforce of Cunning and now that I'm here I can help you beat Ganondorf and just so you know I'm also a master of archery and magic and swordsmanship and instant killing blows and the quarterstaff and using axes and lances and I can ride my purebred super horse Sparkle better than you can ride Epona and I've memorized five libraries and I'm super smart and I have super strength and I can jump up buildings and I can outrun an arrow and I can teleport and read people's minds…" A scantily clad cat girl was chattering mindlessly.

"Did you know, Link, that if you go through this trading quest outlined here on page 104, you can get a super powerful sword called the Biggoron's Sword that does twice the damage?" Yet another Nintendo nerd was proclaiming in a self righteous, superior fashion, only to be brutally interrupted by another girl (AN: Another self insert) leaping on Link and hugging the living hell out of his neck.

Link, ignoring shouts of "Coward," grabbed Zelda by the wrist and ran straight out of Hyrule Castle, pausing on the way to bulldoze through a wall of OCs attempting to bar his way. As both of them ran down the steps, a shadowy figure in a dark cloak with an intricately designed ax resembling the pelvis of a Tyrannosaurus dropped from the archway, landed clumsily, and shouted, "I have cornered you, Hero of Time! You will fight me or you will resign your post as the Hero of Hyrule! I, Gurthrun, Slayer of Thousands, do challenge you! Do you accept, or are you a coward?"

Link sighed, shot him in the nose with a Bomb Arrow, kicked him in the crotch for good measure, and shoved him into the moat with his cloak stuffed in his mouth. When he turned, there was a group of rather strangely attired people proceeding up the steps, all of whom happened to be from different video games, books, or anime/mangas, led at the moment by an extremely angry looking Cloud Strife fingering his sword and what looked to be Sora from _Kingdom Hearts_, flanked by Goofy and Donald and muttering something about not planning to go to this world. They were followed by Inu-Yasha and his friends, the _Tales of Symphonia_ group, Naruto and what looked to be every ninja with a name from _Naruto_, Sonic the Hedgehog and his friends, Harry Potter and a gaggle of Hogwarts students, Pac-Man, Marth and Roy from _Super Smash Bros. Melee_, and a veritable legion of Pokemon (AN: But of course they don't know all of this. They just see a group of strangely dressed, well armed people and some really weird organisms). Zelda gulped visibly as Sora shouted at them.

"Excuse me! Do you know how the hell we get out of this world?! I've got a universe to save!" This was followed up by various nods and murmurs of assent from the appallingly well armed group behind them. Cloud made a big show of sharpening his sword on the back of a nearby Blastoise. Zelda shouted back.

"I'm sorry, but I have no idea! _We_ didn't bring you here! In fact, until today, we weren't even aware of the existence of different worlds!" Sora continued, his anger making his hair stick up further and causing his hair to resemble that of somebody being beaten up in a wind tunnel.

"Well, I've still got to get out of here! I've got to go find Riku before he kills somebody, and if I don't he probably will! He needs his medication! There's got to be a way out of here! Is there any place called a Keyhole or something?" Sonic piped up. "And I'm supposed to be receiving my invitation for _Super Smash Bros. Brawl_! If I don't respond, I probably won't get to be in the game and beat up Mario!" The rest of the crowd broke into further complaints as Zelda massaged her temples and Link thought about the only thing that could make this situation worse, only to open his eyes and find that it had happened.

Ganondorf was forcing his way up the steps, looking tired and angry and rather ready to kill somebody, flanked by several Darknuts and clutching the handle of his sword as if he was currently debating either suicide or genocide. To make matters worse, he appeared to be wearing a pink apron splattered with frog guts and clutching a Martha Stewart book while sporting a neon pink head of hair (AN: See previous chapter). He marched up the steps, parted the sea of Pokemon, and finally came to halt in front of Zelda and Link. Link drew the Master Sword and raised the Mirror Shield while wearily wondering what else could go wrong. Zelda flicked her palms up, letting the scarlet flames of Din's Fire race between them in a menacing manner. The army of other crossover characters stopped talking and watched warily.

Ganondorf raised his hands in the universal manner of "I'm not armed, I'm not here to kill you and burn all your cows, I'm just here to talk, etc." He flicked his wrist and the rest of the Darknuts dropped their weapons on the ground, followed by Ganondorf himself dropping his sword on the ground. In the background, Link could distinctly hear Naruto going "They don't look so tough. I bet I could take them with my hands tied behind my back eating ramen."

Zelda nodded curtly, rather surprised in the back of her head. Since when did Ganondorf obey the rules of parley? Since when did Ganondorf even think about surrendering? Since when had Ganondorf gotten back to the Realm of Light? Why had he chosen to turn up in such a ridiculous outfit? What was with the pink hair? What did he want? What did he know? And, more importantly, why had this day turned out the way it had? Ganondorf gave a rather strained frown and spoke, saying "Link… Zelda… you've got to help me." Link was rather tempted to break out laughing hysterically and half expected a percussion section somewhere to give him a music sting.

Link's right eye twitched as both eyes narrowed in a manner that could only be described as somebody trying to spot Pluto while wearing thick sunglasses in the middle of a snowstorm. Zelda frowned and nodded again. Ganondorf continued. "You see, a few days ago, I had just been defeated and sent back to the Dark Realm, whereupon I immediately commenced on my latest nefarious plot to take over Hyrule. I decided to summon minions from another realm to help me, but instead I seem to have summoned—" At that moment, Ganondorf was unceremoniously glomped from behind by various members of the Ganondorf Fangirls, all shouting about how cool his beard was and wondering if he was married.

Ganondorf Warlock Punched (AN: Move from _Super Smash Bros: Melee_) them all to Kingdom Hearts, I mean, Kingdom Come. Turning, he said with an expression of intense dislike (the sort of look one usually reserves for a difficult mathematics test while at the dentist's listening to an infinite loop of the same polka being played over and over by a group of dancing cartoon dinosaurs), "I seem to have summoned these vile creatures. As you seem to be having the same problems with these… things… I propose that we unite the Triforce and expel these pitiable ruffians from this world. Zelda will be the one to use the Triforce; I will not touch it. My men will stand down. Do you agree?" Link wondered when reality would shatter, if it hadn't already. Things couldn't possibly get stranger, or rather, worse.

It started raining. Wrong again, Link.

Zelda and Link looked at each other. A sort of understanding seemed to flash between them as they both simultaneously lowered their arms and nodded. "We agree to your terms." Ganondorf smiled grimly and raised his hand, the sign of the Triforce glowing on the back of the armored gauntlet. Likewise, Link and Zelda raised their arms; in the golden light, three triangles flowed out of it, each shining with the divine power of the Goddesses, and formed together. Power, wisdom, and courage were united at last. Zelda raised a gloved arm to touch the mystical symbol and spoke, her words echoing up to the heavens. "Goddesses Din, Nayru, Farore, I implore you, bring us a method to solve the present situation!"

There was a brief silence.

It was followed by a rather longer silence.

Link and Ganondorf were getting rather impatient when all of the sudden, a golden light descended upon Link and three voices, apparently those of the Goddesses, spoke from the heavens in unison. They sounded a good deal like a trio of ditzy tween girls eating Pixie Sticks. "Hero of Time, we bestow upon you these magic items that will bring about peace in Hyrule once more, and charge you with this mission. Use these items to leave this realm and disconnect this world. Go forth, Hero, and fear no darkness!" The light vanished. The Triforce split, returning to its respective owners, and Link watched as what looked to be a rather strange piece of equipment appeared in his hands.

The Goddesses continued, rather surprisingly. "Well, now that's all over with," said one. "Why do we always have to speak in unison? It's lame!" whined another. "Well, I'm going to go on the computer for a bit." "No touching the Flood Hyrule button, Din!" "I know, I know. Don't nag." "Uh, you realize the intercom system is still on, right?" "What? Oh, (censored)!" There were several rather unprofessional swear words, a few clicks, some static and whistling, and finally silence. Link filed this occasion away for later consideration and examined his new tools.

It was a keyboard and mouse (AN: Although he doesn't know that), nothing more than sheets of bluish light with vague shadows to suggest shapes (AN: That's right. They also happen to be the most awesome keyboard and mouse ever). Link experimentally touched a few of the buttons on the keyboard, then examined the mouse. Around him, people were waiting with baited breath as if something utterly, completely amazing was about to happen.

Link fiddled with the instruments some more. Nothing. The crowd kept holding their breaths.

A few more minutes worth of nothing and the crowd was on the verge of suffocating. All of the sudden, Link pressed a particular button on the keyboard… there was a click, as if something had snapped into place or somebody who had no idea what they were doing had just fired a BB gun into a sack of marbles… and, in a flash of blue light, the Hero of Time vanished. His last words before he left: "What the—? It's working! Ganondorf, you better not hurt Zelda, or I will kick your (censored) so hard, your face will hurt!" (AN: Basically a quote from _That '70s Show_). A burst of purple smoke, a scattering of glitter, a remixed version of the X-Files© theme, and with that, he was gone.

There was silence. Somebody (probably Naruto) made the comment that that really wasn't too interesting, only to be silenced when a troupe of fifteen bright purple eagles juggling tomatoes on unicycles waltzed past. The Hero was on his way.

(Fade out)

* * *

Well, that was confusing (gets heckled severely). Next installment: the whereabouts of Link's adventure revealed! A mysterious connection with fanfiction dot net! More about 000001 and his friend Mr. ASCII Face! Be there or be, er, somewhere else (because, let's face it, not too many people like this sort of writing)! In any case, thank you for reading! If you wish to review, please do so! 

Oh, and the next installment might be a while in coming. I'll try and get it done by next week, but if I don't, feel free to send me nagging messages. Thanks again for reading.


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